And finally…
A Small Piece on Flight Maintenance

All aircraft operators use a system to handle complaints of faults reported by the crew together with a note of the remedial action taken. Here are some examples with cynical replies by ground staff.

P - indicates the nature of the fault
S - the action taken by ground staff

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight ok except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed in this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S; Difficult to reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievable loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number three engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Target radar reprogrammed with lyrics

P: Noise coming from under instrument pane. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on order.