The Irates of Penzance

A salty old sea dog from Cornwall is planning a raid on the Tower of London - by boat. Penzance fisherman Mick Mahone intends to chug the whole way round the South Coast of England, up the Thames and under Tower Bridge to post a copy of the Maastricht and Nice Treaties through Traitors' Gate.

"We're just at the planning stage," roars the gloriously politically incorrect Mahone from the decks of his 29ft stern trawler, the J-Anne.

The trip will be done in the name of the UK Independence Party, which Mahone supports with all the might of his Captain Birdseye beard.

"We'll be coming via Brixham, Cowes, Portsmouth, Brighton and Dover," continues Mahone who has little in common with that other great sailor, Sir Edward Heath.

Indeed, if you mention Heath's name you get the most violent, timber-shivering crepitation.

"I've already had contact with Thames Boatmen and they are talking about escorting me up the river with a flotilla of small boats," Says Mahon, who will not yet disclose the exact date for his arrival at Traitors' Gate.

He must give the J-Anne a good swab down.

At present she smells rather strongly of sardines - as fishy, you could say, as the European Commission.
'Peterborough', The Mail, 6th May 2003